Developing our own way is the key. It is the key that unlocks the purpose of what we are here to do. Everyones intuition is unique to themselves. Like a thumbprint, each human’s experience is different than the other human. Of course, you may meet an individual with the SAME experiences, but the stories are different. It are in these meetings healing begins to develop. The door of trust begins to open because “This person knows exactly what I’ve been through!” The moment we meet others that have a relatable life experience/story a connection is formed. A bond (which can also be toxic) is formed. When I say “toxic” I mean, trauma bonding.
There is a difference between that bonding that initiates healing and closeness (compassion) and the bonding that becomes toxic (empathy). Here are the differences.
Holding space and LISTENING without thinking of what you will say next is a form of compassion and a form of healing. Listening is one of the biggest forms of healing. Way more so than talking. This reminds me of an episode from “New Girl”. Nick follows a man around. He follows him to a spa, a park, and sits next to the man at each visit and talks. The man never speaks. But Nick feels heard and talks himself into a circle of self validation and confident decision making that he begins to heal his fears and insecurities. “In Silence There Is Everything” is a saying that came to me during meditation and I love it.
When sitting in the toxicity of another and bonding over the traumas you both experience a feeling of “me too!” sparks the fuse that ignites constant talking and banter back and forth of past hurt, abuse, victimization, blaming, and character bashing. This is a rollercoaster loopy loop of no change. This is trauma bonding. The trauma is what connects one another, not the intuition to heal one another. Now one person may fall into Empathy with the HOPE & INTENT to heal another through conversation & bonding over similar traumas, but the outcome typically isn’t what one hopes for.
This type of bonding initiates a feeling that there is validation that they both have gone through criticism, hate, and hurt in the situation/s rather than learning how to move on and heal the moments that are on the loopy loop. Constant mind thinking hurts self and others. This is EMPATHY, “I feel what you’re going through because I’ve gone through it too.” and when someone hasn’t received the tools to heal themselves or certain situations, it becomes difficult to know how to help the other person out of the “funk” or hurt. Therefor one will sit with them until their energy is zapped from talking and talking to show yes, to confirm and prove to the other that they too DO know how the individual in pain feels.
Earning the trust by sitting in the muck, hope is formed that this person will hopefully listen to how you overcame (if that means you have) your situation, but the hurt person doesn’t want to take the advice or it seems the conversations begins to feel like a battle. And you’re now trying to pull yourself out of the trenches that were never yours! Even the thought “I’m over this” may even surface. This is the form of “How I can relate to others, and lets keep talking about it," falling deeper in the pit, and at some point, one gets sucked down or both. And once in the pit, it can be hard to get out, especially when you fall in the pit for another. Who will save you?
Are you the one constantly in “saving” mode yet feel drained? Or are you the one that’s stuck in a constant loopy loop of complaints, hurt and non acceptance latching on to others that are in the same boat to not feel alone? Or are you the one that’s wanting to go forward and help others heal with the tools that healed you? What typed of bonding experience is meant for you now? At either phase, as human, I know we all have cycled through these characteristics of bonding.